God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
