We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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