Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
