I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
