if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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