My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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