im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
