I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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