the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
