i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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