I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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