i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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