I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
