By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
