Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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