just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
