Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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