Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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