I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
