When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
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