i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
