She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
