She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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