I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
