Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
