Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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