Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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