I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
