drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
