I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
