a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
