Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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