I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
