i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
