I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
