Already got asked if we're dating
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
