please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
