The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
