if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
