apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
