Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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