How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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