i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
