I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
