do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
