my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dear god my vagina.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
