dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
