You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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