At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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