its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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